Thursday, January 31, 2019

Sex And The Skeptic - Models and Mortals

Sex And The City Season 1 Episode 2
Models and Mortals

In this episode, Carrie explores standards of beauty and what it means to men. I have to say I can not speak to living in a city where models are roaming the streets. I live in more of a tweakers roaming the isles of Walmart kind of city. I am, however, a woman familiar with what our culture tells me about my worth in relation to my looks.

Impossible Standards of Beauty

It seems to me that beauty standards are not set by men but instead by advertisers marketing to women. A brand can tell you that a product will make you, younger, thinner, healthier, prettier, etc. These are all signs of healthy fertility. Yes, beautiful people are that way for a reason. They have good genes that show, through a symmetrical face, thick hair, glowing skin, and strong bone structure. Our most beautiful are indeed, our most fuckable.
The drive to fuck a beautiful model is basic mating effort.

How Powerful Is Beauty?

Very, and why? Because the desire to reproduce with the most genetically optimal person you can, is at the very core of our human nature. Even though you may be happily married to someone else, you may give a beautiful woman more curtesy, liberty, and opportunity than you would a less attractive, disabled, or aging woman.

I’m Fucking A Model – Male Ego

There is something more than good genes at play here. Throughout history, women have been objects, things to obtain and collect. Men with a lot of “things” are showing status as a mating strategy. Their ego urges them to collect these women not just for the undetected psychological need for reproduction but also to showcase themselves and validate themselves as alpha males. Thereby gaining more and more “things”.

Patchouli in A Room Full of Chanel Or A Saltine in A Box Of Ritz

In one scene, Carrie says she feels like patchouli in a room full of Chanel referring to being a “regular” woman in a room full of models. This reminded me of a night I have intended to write about for over a year now. No better time than the present, I guess.
I had recently married my first husband and was struggling with the idea of being someone’s wife and how I felt it diminished my sex appeal in general. At the time I felt like being off the market somehow devalued my fuckablility. Not that I was looking. At the time I was happily monogamous, but a girl still wants to be desired, right? I was in my early 20’s and did not yet realize the hotness of the naughty wife but I digress.

My then husband and I had gone out one night with one of his high school friends to a local concert. After the show we went back to the friend’s house along with a girl he had picked up at some point during the evening. My memories of that night are few. I’m sure I had more than enough to drink and well… it was close to 20 years ago at this point but what I do remember has stuck with me quite vividly. I was sitting on the couch with my husband and his friend, drinking and listening to music. The girl that had joined us was dancing alone in the middle of the livingroom.  She wore jeans with a black corset top and had long straight dirty blonde hair that brushed against her body as she danced. I envied her inhibition. At some point during this performance, my husbands friend turned to him and said, “That is a Saltine”. Pointing at ME. “That”, pointing at the girl dancing “is a Ritz”.

Hopefully you are familiar with these snack crackers so that you get the fuckedupness of his comment. He was basically saying that I was plain and boring while the other girl had a bit more pizazz. I mean, a Ritz is high end as far as crackers go.

I’ve never really felt unattractive in my adult life. I spent very little time comparing myself to other women, but that night was different.  That night, I saw with glaring clarity what I was lacking, and I saw it in her. Probably the most difficult thing, was that it wasn’t physical. This girl was not of above average beauty, she wasn’t exceptionally thin, she didn’t have larger than average breasts, or a bangin butt. What she had that I didn’t, was confidence. She had the guts to not only wear a corset to a concert (a look I later adopted) but she also had the guts to dance alone in a room full of strangers. I admired that Ritz girl. My husband’s friend, however, did not accompany us to any more concerts.

Beauty is about being desirable and be it either
consciously or subconsciously, desire is the fuel of life.

Rendering A Prince

Each scene in this episode was intended to paint Big as the prince. First, we see him with a model on his arm. This shows him as not only desired by other women, but desired by other women who have options. This signals that there is something there worth seeking.

The end of this episode is a classic intermittent reward given to Carrie by Big gracing her with his presence, just to give the line “After a while you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh”. 

Sure, this can be true. Especially when looking at it from a human dual mating strategy standpoint. Sure, the guy wants the funny girl to pair bond with but that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to still be looking in his periphery for genetic beauty with which he can potentially intermingle his seed. This scene is to reiterate one thing, that Big is different from the rest. By the second episode I think we have visited all female psychological desire cues to paint Big as the ultimate Prince Charming of Manhattan. He is tall dark, handsome, and wealthy, giving him definite alpha status. He is calm and calculated but seems to only crack the door to his inner heart for Carrie. He is desired by other women but is now consistently coming back to Carrie above all others.

I would advise anyone who is a fan of the show and has any interest in the dynamics of how desire works between men and women to read A Billion Wicked Thoughts (listed here) then re-watch the series and think about how the character of Big is written to manipulate the female audience. Not that this is something rare to the character. Most male romantic leads are written this way. It’s just interesting to me that a show that has such a female empowerment slant would push such a fictional romantic narrative. Unattainable beauty? More like unattainable love.

Monday, January 21, 2019

Sex And The Skeptic


Romantic true love doesn’t exist. I hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t. At least not in the way our culture tells us it does. Sex on the other hand does exist and is the drive behind most of what we do as humans. Yes, I’m cynical but I prefer to call myself a skeptic because a girl can always change her mind.

I grew up watching Sarah Jessica Parker in 80’s and early 90’s movies like Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Flight of the Navigator, and Hocus Pocus. So, when I first saw that she was doing a HBO original series about sex, Sex And The City, the 80’s kid and sex geek in me were beyond excited. But when I began to watch the show, I found myself not identifying with Carrie Bradshaw as much as I did with my then new idol, Samantha Jones.

Sex and the Skeptic is my blog series commentating on the show from a well… let’s just say, less romantic point of view. ­

Sex And The City Season 1 Episode 1 - Sex and the City 

The series opens with a introduction to our characters Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, Samantha, and of course the city of Manhattan. The first half of this pilot episode focuses on the difficulties of women in their 30’s finding eligible bachelors in the city.
The reality of this situation is stated very well by the men. It all basically comes down to biology, once a woman’s clock is ticking, men are suddenly holding all the cards. It seems women can only be the choosey ones during their time of high reproductive value. After that starts to wane, our sea of fish begins to diminish.
This is also reflected in society, women who are older, disabled, overweight, or are in any way seen as unhealthy are less reproductively appealing and in turn, less relevant.

Why should women in their 30’s settle? 

There is something that happens to a woman when she enters her 30’s. Typically by this age we have been through enough bad relationships and have come into ourselves and have finally realized our own self-worth. We are willing to tolerate less than we were in our 20’s which makes finding a man that doesn’t have too much to tolerate harder.

Have Sex Like A Man

I’m big supporter of this statement. Regarding feelings, they are only good when you want them. I can’t count how many times I’ve told friends if they don’t want to catch feelings for a casual lover, they better get up, put their panties on, and go home.
Regarding getting off and getting out like men do, I’d say every woman should try it at least once. We must get pleasing a man as the most important part of sex out of our number one concern slot. I also think that if more women did this more often, men would get a taste of their own medicine and realize a woman’s orgasm isn’t an unnecessary part of a sexual encounter.
After Carrie hooks up with an old lover and leaves after he pleases her and before he can get his, she later wonders why she didn’t feel more in control. I’d say that is because that isn’t who she is. Carrie is a romantic and seems to need more of a commitment with her sex. She not getting what she wants while the guy is. Unlike Samantha, who I doubt would feel less out of control.

I Have To Get Up Early

There is one scene is this episode that made me really think. Charlotte goes home with a man but stops him and goes home for the night before he can get what he wants. Later, Samantha goes home with the same guy and he tells her that he must get up early the next morning, so she can’t stay over. Samantha gets a look on her face in response like she knows she’s being used and although there is a slight sting from this being verbalized, she’s fine to continue.
Therefore it is much better to meet casual hook ups either in a neutral territory, hotel, back seat of a car, etc. or even better, at your place to insure the ball stays in your court.
The male/female power dynamic in sexuality is a tricky thing. Even when all a woman wants is to have casual sex, it still seems like the man is getting something over on her, like he is winning. That’s something I think about a lot and have yet to figure out how to work around.

The Introduction of Big and Great Love

This is probably the hardest pill for me to swallow throughout the series. Because Big will be Carries main love interest in the show, he is set up to be Prince Charming. We first see him turn down Samantha which a) would most likely never even happen and b) appeals to the female psychological desire cues. This scene is to show that Big is different. Something women look for and men try to convince us of but in the end, is just a fairytale.

When Big sees Carrie walking and gives her a ride home, not only do we see him as “rescuing” her, but we also see that he is wealthy giving him resources, something also psychologically desirable to women. In the car, they have this conversation:

Carrie: “Women who have sex then afterwards feel nothing”.
Big: “But you’re not like that”.
Carrie: “Well aren’t you”?
Big: “Not a drop, not even half a drop”.
Carrie: “Wow what’s wrong with you”?
Big: “Haha I get it, you’ve never been in love”.

This scene really gets under my skin. It’s not real and paints this picture of this one guy who will suddenly come along to rescue you and will be different from all the other men. He will be rich, believe in love, and want only you.

As a woman you are feed this story from the time you are a toddler watching Disney Princess movies learning that one day your prince will come. So, you wait and before you know it, you’re in your 30’s and all the good men are taken and you’re left having casual sex in the city.

It’s funny to me that the episode opens with the women wondering where all the great unmarried men are, when, they missed them all waiting for a fictional character they’ve been told is out there just waiting to sweep them and only them off their glass slippered feet.

Friday, January 18, 2019

Reading List

The books listed below are straight from my Audible library. New books added as I finish them. 

I would definitely recommend getting a Audible membership. I love being able to wash dishes, cook, drive, and put on makeup all while learning. But if you prefer traditional books, I've got you covered below. Some of these are paradigm shifting. 
(note: all links are affiliate links)

INBEDWITH SHAUNA Episode 17 Show Notes

Episode 17 - The Orgasm Episode

In this episode I lay down some orgasm stats, give an update on he who we don't speak of and the darkness, comment on a segment from one of my favorite podcast Sex with Emily, talk about my own experience achieving orgasm, and answer some of your questions.

11 Charts and Graphs That Show the Female Orgasm by Numbers

The Biggest-Ever Orgasm Study Tells Us More About How Women Come

Sex with Emily

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Friday, January 4, 2019

INBEDWITH SHAUNA Episode 16 Show Notes

In this episode I share a story time of how the cops stole Christmas, teach you how to hack the honeymoon phase, the benefits of "if you can't beat em, join em", and we venture into my DMs to answer some question and of course have a good laugh. 

My Paradigm

"Men are as loyal as their options". - Bill Mahar
I'm a bit of a pessimist when it comes to the loyalty of men. I get told all the time "not all men cheat" well, this is usually coming from a woman that wants to believe or blindly believes her man is faithful. I hate to break it to you but that's just not the case. No not all men cheat all the time. But almost all men cheat at least once upon a time.   

You don't have to love everyone you have sex with just as you don't have to have sex with everyone you love.
Love and sex are two very different things. I believe it was Christopher Ryan who said something to the fact that sex and love are like wine and cheese, they go very well together but are two very different things that can be enjoyed separately.

Jealousy is rooted in fear
Jealousy usually comes from a insecurity that you will lose someone to someone else. If you are secure in yourself and in the relationship, there is nothing to fear.

"Poor is the man who's pleasures depend on the permission of another" - Madonna
It's sad to me that many people have a sexuality that is kept prisoner by their significant other. I do not own my partner and he does not own me. Our bodies are our own and not the property of the other.

Cheating isn't a reason to end a relationship. Deceit is.
The expectations of monogamy are not only unnatural but also unrealistic. Its insane to me that a couple will breakup a otherwise happy home and the lives of their children because some spent 10 minutes naked with another person. It's selfish and a serious over reaction.

The feeling of love isn't real. It's a chemical byproduct of the drive to reproduce.
Humans are naturally serial social monogamists. We receive physical and psychological mating cues that cause us to "fall in love" and pair bond. This pair bond is not sexually exclusive and lasts 3 to 4 years, long enough to reproduce and raise a baby into childhood. 
The love for our children however is a bond that usually does not fade. It is in our best interest to watch over, protect, and care for our offspring in order to insure our genes make it into future generations. 

Euthanizing You Heart

The Honeymoon Phase

If you can't beat 'em, Join 'em
Women often times see each other as competitors. This is so unnecessary! There are no benefits to jealousy. Try reaching out and becoming friends with someone you feel may be a rival for whatever reason. Lift each other up! Men aren't worth the negativity

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Here rests the bones of what was once my shows notes that I spent a week outlining and a whole day writing... RIP Hybristophilia Intro...