In a week I’ll be 40. I can’t even believe that as I’m typing it. Not only will I be turning this dreaded old age but I’m also unemployed and my youngest child, my only natural child will be entering high school in a month.
When you are young you think that by 30 you will have a car, a house, a career, kids, spouse, you’ll have finished everything you are supposed to do and have life basically figured out. At least the big stuff. But here I am half way through my life for the most part and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.
Growing up I thought I’d move to L.A., be a nurse, have a husband and maybe 4 kids. But here I am, stuck in the same depressing, good for nothing town I grew up in, with no job and three kids, two of which I didn'tgive birth to. It’s like I blinked and ran out of time. My chances to have another child are pretty much gone without me ever consenting to such tragedy and I will soon be alone.
What is even happening? I never agreed to any of this. I’m not prepared for any of it. I mean let’s say I’m half way done with my life. That doesn’t even mean I have another 40 years. Really, as a woman, I have about 10 to 20 years before I’m considered totally worthless. Completely irrelevant and invisible.
All my life I remember thinking wow I don’t want to be old. Well at least I’m only (blank) I don’t have to worry about that yet. Thank God! Now I just think shit, I’m here. And if I’m already freaking out about my body decaying around me, how will I feel at 70?
OMG menopause! How much longer until that death comes knocking at my door? 10, 15 years? And then I’ll gain more wait and probably grow a mustache. WTF there is nothing I can do to stop this.
Time… time is an asshole.