Friday, January 5, 2018

She's the Madonna, I am the Whore

Over the last few months I’ve listened to about ten books covering human sexuality and the psychology of desire. We humans, both male and female have these parallel desires for what we want romantically and what we want sexually. Women seek the strong, confident, protector but we also want him to be caring and cater to our needs. Both sides are usually never found in the same man. It’s always nice guy Vs. asshole. Usually what happens is that we find someone who is mainly either alpha or beta male with just enough of the other characteristics that we can make it work. In my opinion, this leaves us vulnerable to future indiscretions with those males who embody the characteristics our partner lacks. Therefore, non-monogamy is helpful because then you are never putting all of your needs onto one person. But that is a whole other topic for another time.

 Men also have a dual desire. A Madonna/whore complex in which they look for the virtuous Madonna to raise their children and be a faithful partner to them for at least as long as it takes to make sure their genetics are passed along successfully to the next generation. Men also desire the whore, the woman that they can be their true deviant sexual selves with without fear of rejection and judgment. As I have been discovering these things about our dual desires I have been given the very unexpected opportunity to watch this play out right in front of my eyes.

I have had a unique relationship with a man for several years. He is much older, powerful, exceptionally intelligent, and one hell of an alpha. This relationship isn’t what I would call an affair or merrily just a friendship. I couldn’t really classify it as friends with benefits either. Maybe we could call it a friendship with a very sexual nature yet never fully consummated. Like I said, it was and I guess still is unique.

Over the last few months, this man I admired so much became infatuated with another woman. This isn’t something that should have bothered me as there was never anything romantic between us and because we are both married I never really wanted there to be. But it did bother me and it bothered me that it bothered me. Why did I care? This other woman is basic in her looks and below basic in her personality yet he became completely lost in the thought of her. He would constantly tell me that I am so strong, and smart and this other woman is so weak and fragile. I couldn’t figure out why he would say those things. How is weak better than strong? Why would any man especially a man like this want someone weak? Well, because she is the Madonna and I am the whore. He doesn’t need to protect me or save me because I’m strong and as the alpha he needs to be needed. He needs to be that hero that I just don’t need. Problem is, yes, I’m strong and smart and basically a bitch but because of that, sexually I crave that alpha dominance because that is the only situation where I allow myself to be weak.

This whole episode has bothered me so much because I see this alpha man I needed as someone above me, someone I would allow to have control over me, turning into this softer, weaker beta man who has no control over anything anymore.

As I’m watching this man that was once something I needed slip away into something else, I also watch fascinated at the lengths men will go to in order to satisfy their own needs sexual or not. They will risk everything, family, friends, career, all in the pursuit of that which makes them feel like a real man. Even when in reality, the manhood they are chasing is that of a boy.  

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