~ from a season of pain, summer 2016 ~
Rarely do I feel jealousy or emotional hurt from relationships anymore. I pride myself on this so when it happens I feel very confused almost like a stranger in my own head. Regardless I do occasionally feel these things and when I do, I try very hard to quickly identify the source, make sense of it, rationalise it in my head, and file it away as a understanding I can use to quickly dismiss these kinds of things in the future.
The last few days I’ve been feeling something I can only describe as loss over a relationship I chose not to be in several years ago. But here’s the thing… I didn’t choose not to be with this person because I stopped loving them or because it wasn’t working. Really now that I think about it, the choice was made simply because I live in a world where it isn’t OK to love more than one person. It crushes me that I can not be with someone even though I love them just because I love someone else. In fact if this was not an issue I would probably be in three or four relationships at this very moment. But I’m not allowed. I must pick one person while burying my feelings for anyone else. Then I must hope and pray a situation doesn’t arise as it recently has that brutally rips those feelings to the surface leaving me to mourn the relationship over and over again.
All I can do is explore what I’m feeling and learn from it while I watch people I love move on with others that may possibly love only them in a way that I can’t.