Friday, January 5, 2018

Bad Girl

I’ve never been a good girl. I can remember having a crush on a boy as young as four. I was in preschool and his name was Jimmy. I remember looking forward to school because I wanted to see him. I remember he would chase me on the playground and I loved it.

Because I’ve been feeling so confused by my multiple feelings for multiple people, I started thinking back. When did this start? Was being cheated on the cause of this? Was I doing this to avoid intimacy? Or is this who I am?

So I started thinking back, all the way back to Jimmy and I can honestly say that rarely was there a time I was only interested in one boy. And I was preoccupied with sex from the beginning. I remember playing doctor with the boy down the street at 5 years old and thinking nothing of it.

Most of the time there was one boy who was my primary focus but there was always a second or a third.

If I go back to my freshman year of high school when I lost my virginity, I usually had feelings for at least two boys if not three.

When I was barely 16 I was in my first three way relationship. It didn’t bother me at all. It was so natural. Honesty I can’t think of a time since then that I haven’t had feelings for more than one person and have felt this overwhelming sense of injustice that I’m only allowed one relationship. I always have to choose which leaves me with a broken heart In one direction or another. And why? Because society says it’s abnormal to be in more than one relationship. Because society says if I follow my heart instead of thier rules I’m a slut. Maybe I’m selfish? Maybe I am a slut? Maybe I’m not normal? All I know is I’m not happy this way. I’m constantly feeling like I’m losing someone I love because I love someone else.

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