Tuesday, December 18, 2018

INBEDWITH SHAUNA Episode 15 Show Notes

Boondox - Freak Bitch

Women Explain The Appeal of Bad Boys

Do you have that one person that sends your stomach into knots and you heart pounding into your ears? The one that gets in you head and haunts your every thought to the point your sure madness is just around the corner. The mere mention of their name registers somewhere deep inside you, forcing an almost impossible to hide guilty grin. The one you pushed away but is still right there tempting and tugging at everything you know is wrong. This is the one we don't speak of. And his name is..

Dual Mating Strategies
Long term, women are seeking good providers, caring fathers, and protectors to help raise children. Men are looking for nurturing mothers capable of having as many children as possible.
Short term, women are looking for good genes to pass on. A mans character is of little concern. Men are also looking for genes but not genes they with to squire. They are more concerned with passing on their own to any willing participant.

Female Dual Sexuality
This differs because it focuses on the female ovulatory cycle. It has been shown that during the time women are not ovulating, they are focused more on long term relationship goals, commitment, and stability. However, when a woman is ovulating they are more focused on sexual desire, orgasm, and short term relationships. Women are more likely to have affairs and engage in overall risky behavior during ovulation.

It has also been shown that women taking hormonal birth control lose this duality and that women who are not ovulating will choose mates with a sent close to that of family members while those who are not taking birth control choose mates with a sent very genetically different than their own. This leads to the thought that taking birth control for years before getting married could lead to less chemical and genetic comparability after marriage and after going off the pill. 

Psychology Today - Why you might consider going off the pill before tying the knot

Female Psychological Desire Cues
(Source A Billion Wicked Thoughts) available here

Often times, the bad boy embodies most or all of the desire cues that women crave psychologically.

Alpha Male - Strong, powerful, with high status. 
Emotion - A hard to get to but still soft center.
Popularity - Wanted by other females or already taken by one.
Irritability - A strong desire for the woman above all others.

Radical Honesty
Because bad boys have options as far as other women go, he doesn't feel the fear of losing a woman if he is honest. The nice guy on the other hand doesn't tend to have as many female options and therefore lies in fear of losing the one he has. Women admire and appreciate honesty when we can get it but the above mentioned popularity cue also holds us in. We could get offended by the truth and walk away but with male who has other options, this is less likely what we will want to do.

Desire + Obstacle = Passion
Most great passions come from a physical attraction with a obstacle thrown in. Bad boys are often obstacles themselves, seeming emotionally unavailable making them a challenge or obstacle. There can be a myriad of other obstacles a wife perhaps, distance, religion, think Romeo and Juliet. The greatest love story of all time is created around this formula.      

Variable Interval Reward System
Bad boys are unpredictable, they come and go on a whim, probably because they are busy with other ladies. This great passion they create by being unattainable makes them irresistible  

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Tuesday, December 4, 2018

INBEDWITH SHAUNA Episode 14 Show Notes

In Bed With Shauna Episode 14 - The Clinton Affair

In this episode I discuss expressing sexuality on social media as it pertains to employment. I also give my commentary on the A&E series The Clinton Affair and share my views on the #metoo movement.

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Tuesday, November 20, 2018

INBEDWITH SHAUNA Episode 13 - Show Notes

In Bed With Shauna Episode 13 - Get Even

In this episode I talk about getting even with someone for cheating on you and answer your questions about premature ejaculation and fetishes.

If you need a little help in delaying your orgasm and edging or doubling up on condoms isn't working for you, there is a spray that comes highly recommended called Promescent. It desensitizes you but doesn't transfer to your partner. If you try it out, let me know if it helps.

Thank you to Patreon supporter
Calvin Pierce Jr.

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Tuesday, November 13, 2018

INBEDWITH SHAUNA - Episode 12 Show Notes

In Bed With Shauna Episode 12 - Open But Not Perfect

Hello everyone welcome to episode 12 of In Bed With Shauna. In this episode I talk about masques for your muff, Monica Lewinsky, the stigma of the not so perfect open relationship, and I answer some of your questions.

Article on Women watching Gay Porn

Check out Sex with Emily

Ask Me Questions! theshaunawilliams@gmail.com

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Tuesday, November 6, 2018

INBEDWITH SHAUNA - Episode 11 - Show Notes

Episode 11 - Don't Fake It!

In this episode I talk about sex workers, why not kissing your hookup can be a good thing, and faking orgasms. Below are links to a video of an ex porn star talking against the industry and about how the medical clinics these performers have to use can be shadey. I've also included a link to an article about the clinic sited in the video. Please go check out Lushious' Youtube channel, the Hustler podcast and Spencer Tunick.

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Tuesday, October 23, 2018

IN BED WITH SHAUNA - Episode 9 Show Notes

In Bed With Shauna Episode 9


A few facts about High School Sweethearts
Info from the article 21 High School Sweethearts Marriage Statistics 
  • High school sweethearts that get married while still teenagers only have a 54% chance of having their marriage last 10 years.
  • High school sweethearts that wait until at least the age of 25 to get married have a 10 year success rate of 78%.
  • Only 19% of people who marry their high school sweethearts attend college.
  • 14% of couples had met in school.
  • The most likely age demographic for someone to marry their high school sweetheart is in the 18-27 age group.
  •  People who break up with their high school sweetheart and marry someone else are more likely to have an affair with the their sweetheart if they are able to reconnect.
  • The internet makes connecting or reconnecting with a high school sweetheart easier than ever before.
  • People who search out lost loves when they didn’t marry their high school sweetheart tend to come from homes where one parent was an alcoholic.
I think there is something to be said for marrying your high school sweetheart and even the person you lost your virginity to If you have only been with one person, being with someone new can have an element of fear that wouldn't be there had you been with other people. BUT... you have to go into this realizing that human nature craves novelty. If you are going to stay with the same person you have to take this into account and put effort into keeping things exciting and fresh. This is work it will not just come naturally. 

I would highly recommend leaving each other for college as a test to your relationship and a chance for you to grow yourself outside of the relationship. If you give up things for yourself when you are young this could easily turn into resentment as you grow older. Go off explore yourself and then come back to create a relationship of two whole people rather than two halves.

Songs In This Episode:

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

IN BED WITH SHAUNA - Episode 8 Show Notes

In Bed With Shauna Episode 8 - The Darkness


"All the love gone bad turned my world to black tattooed all I see all that I am all I'll be".
Black - Pearl Jam 1992

He whom we refer to as The Darkness, ironically enough, introduced me to this song in 1992. I didn't know at the time how that one line would be so true in regards to my relationship with him and sit tightly in my heart for the rest of my life.

When you're a young woman, you're coming into your sexuality and trying to figure out what being a woman means and what part your sexuality will play in your character as a person. If you choose to save yourself for marriage, if you decide to be adventurous and be sexually promiscuous, if you choose to only have sex with one or two steady boyfriends in high school, this decision will shape your sexuality for the future and in turn who you project to the world and what they world thinks of you as not only a woman, but as a person.

There are men out there that will convince you that you need them and then use you not only for their own personal pleasure but as a toy, a game piece to get what they want in life. It's not that you're ignorant and don't see this happening. It's that you've been manipulated to believe that it doesn't matter. You need that person so much that any price is worth paying to keep them close.

Eventually, hopefully, you realize they aren't what you think they are, that they add nothing to you and only take away. Has hard as it is to believe at the time, there are others out there that can give you the feeling of acceptance you crave without mentally destroying you.

Shane Dawson Video mentioned in the beginning of this episode

Additional Songs

Limp Bizkit - Re-Arrange
Stand - Outside
Floater - Pet
Apocalyptica - I Don't Care

Saturday, September 29, 2018

The Curious Mind Of A Slut

It's interesting to me and possibly no one else how much my own sexuality is based in curiosity. The majority of my sexual experiences have come from curiosity. The average person meets someone they find physically attractive, flirts, dates, and forms a relationship of some kind before wanting to have sex. Maybe this is typical female behavior. I'm not sure as I'm far from typical. But for me, I meet someone or see a personality online and my mind almost always takes it to a sexual place. I always think I wonder what he would be like in bed.

There is something special that happens with men in a sexual scenario that is unique to how he is in any other situation in his life. There is a different look in his eyes, a different tone in his voice, something that lays beneath the persona and ego he has created over his life comes to the surface and can only be experienced in those moments. It's raw and so deeply real that it's intoxicating to me. This is also something that can fade in a long term relationship. It's odd that the less you know a man, the more real his desire is with you. This is why men ask prostitutes for things they would never ask their wives for. It's that space that fascinates me. The space where they feel safe from judgment and their own ego. I see a man and I think about that and wonder who is he in that space?

This wonder for me trumps physical attraction on most occasions. I'm more interested in the mind of the man. For example, last night I had a dream about Neil deGrasse Tyson. For those that are not total science nerds like me, he is a astrophysicist and the host of several shows and a podcast. For some reason I dreamed I was going to a hotel with him and today when I think about it, yeah I would be interested to see him in that space.

Another man that gets my sexual curiosity going is Elon Musk.
His mind is so calculated and he runs so many innovative companies, I just wonder does he like to be dominated so that he can have a place and time where he isn't in control? Or maybe he is rigid and never lets his guard down. Maybe he doesn't even have sex because it's not something he finds necessary.

Joe Rogan, I feel would be someone it would be hard to break his fidelity. I've learned that men with very strong mental strength cheat less. Men who meditate, practice martial artists, etc. Men with a good amount of will power and self discipline. So I wonder, would it be difficult to break him sexually? I know that's rude to poor Joe's wife but it's how my brain works. I wonder if he's very primal in that space, rough rather than gentile.

I know this will sound crazy to just about everyone, but I'm thinking with my sexually curious mind, how it would be amazing to just be able to experience one night with whoever I wanted throughout my life. Not necessarily for sexual pleasure but for the pure knowledge of the moment. It seriously feels to me that somehow that's what my soul wants to do. Like a reporter traveling the world seeking interesting people to interview but my interview would be experiencing people in the space that so fascinates me.  I can imagine myself laying in bed as an old woman, looking back on my "interviews" with no regrets and proud of the knowledge I had gained. Curiosity satisfied.

INBEDWITH SHAUNA Episode 5 - Show Notes

Listen On Anchor or wherever you listen to podcasts!

In episode 5 I vent about how I feel about losing my job and I talk about dabbling in the foot/sock fetish world.

Monday, September 17, 2018

Goodbye To A Ghost

"From a sweet beginning, to a bitter end. Were you ever here? Were you ever my friend"?
- Robert Wynia

Goodbye to a ghost
Can't understand why...
Why you've left me
Won't let me say goodbye
I know what's coming
Something I couldn't be
Don't want to disrupt it
Only wanting to be free
From things you've said
I'll always be here
Words of a man
Always something to fear
Goodbye to a ghost
Haunting me but won't let me speak
Let me give you back
Have your precious bite to the cheek
Get out of my being
Get into my sight
If I could go back
No holidays at night
Choice of my own flesh
Guilt me but no regret
She is my everything
I've already paid my debt
Goodbye to a ghost 
I don't want to feel
Fuck you Conformist
Let my heart heal

Sunday, July 29, 2018

INBEDWITH SHAUNA - Episode 2 - Show Notes

In Bed With Shauna - Episode 2

Masturbatory Rag Doll
Should a wife submit to her husband physically at his whim? Sitting in Church listening to the pastor explain that God made sex and when you are married, you a no longer one flesh made me wonder is that really an okay way of thinking? Could that actually be damaging? It sure isn't a safeguard against infidelity.

When Your Rebound Bonces
Many people seek the comfort of another directly after a breakup. Doing this replaces devastating and sometimes crippling feelings with NRE (new relationship energy). What better way to get over a broken heart than a cocktail of dopamine, adrenaline, norepinephrine, and multiple orgasms?
But what happens when you fall comfortably into these safe new arms and then they drop you?

As I was listening to a podcast episode of Guys we Fucked, I was reminded of that danger and also reminded of why I feel like I'm drifting aimlessly with nothing to power me in any direction. It's stupid and fucked up but it's the truth.

I've always said that a woman should have another "distraction" in her back pocket just in case she needs to pull him out for emotional safety after a breakup which is still something I believe is helpful. But there is a risk with this method. It's almost like you have to continue to replace that backup because as soon as you are alone, you will be hit with ALL of the emotion you have been shelving.

The Full Episode of Guys We F****d

Everyone Has Herpes
I'd love it if everyone could work on destroying the stigma around herpes. Make sure that one someone uses the words "cold sore", "chicken pox", "shingles", replace it with herpes.

Did you know: 

You are less likely to get herpes from someone who knows they have it, takes anitvirals, and uses protection than you are from someone who hasn't been tested?

Tests are the most accurate when there is a open lesion to test.

Most of the time when you go to the doctor and ask for a STD/STI test, you are not tested for Herpes. It is that the psychological damage of the diagnosis is more harmful than the virus itself because of the stigma. 

Some confident people are starting to put their STI positive status in their only dating profile.

A great TEDTalk about fighting the herpes stigma/

INBEDWITH SHAUNA- Episode 3 - Show Notes

In Bed With Shauna Episode 3
Listen at anchor.fm/inbedwithshauna

This episode was very personal so I'm not going to write much here or link to much either.

Here is a few posts about my marriage...

A MonogamISH Marriage - What It's Really Like
When We Fight

And here are a few things I wrote about the break up that won't end.

In Joy and Sorrow 
When I wasn't Looking
He Loves Her, He Loves Her Not
My Own Truth

You can find me on
Instagram @theshaunawilliams
Twitter @xshaunawilliams

Sunday, July 15, 2018

INBEDWITH SHAUNA - Episode 1 Show Notes


Listen at anchor.fm/inbedwithshauna or get the Anchor App

Hey Bitches, welcome to my new podcast. I have no clue how to do this but you have to learn somehow. So here we go...

I've been completely obsessed with The Joe Rogan Experience podcast over the last few months. This guy just sits in his studio and had people from all over come and talk to him for hours. I want that job but with a sexual twist to it of course.

The name In Bed With Shauna come from the Madonna movie Truth or Dare. The movie's European release was titled In Bed With Madonna. As a huge Madonna fan, the name has always stuck with me. I also got to thinking that would be a good name since I am actually sitting in bed recording the podcast and would eventually like it if I could have friends come over and sit in bed and have conversations. Is that weird? There's also a sexual tone to it that of course I like not to mention another use of the phrase "In Bed With The Enemy" or That company is "in bed" with that company. There's a lot of people I want to be in bed with. Figuratively of course. (for the most part) 

So I turned 40. I'm not going to get into that here. If you want to know how I feel about it you can read my previous post.

The crazy mess of the non binary transgender: 

Gender  -
a : sex the feminine gender

b the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex

Sex --
either of the two major forms of individuals that occur in many species and that are distinguished respectively as female or male especially on the basis of their reproductive organs and structures

the sum of the structural, functional, and behavioral characteristics of organisms that are involved in reproduction marked by the union of gametes and that distinguish males and females
Source - 

Why do we say gender not sex? Because a long time ago people were very uptight and didn't think it was appropriate to say sex let a lone write it on forms.

Gender Dysphoria

Gender dysphoria involves a conflict between a person's physical or assigned gender and the gender with which he/she/they identify. People with gender dysphoria may be very uncomfortable with the gender they were assigned, sometimes described as being uncomfortable with their body (particularly developments during puberty) or being uncomfortable with the expected roles of their assigned gender.
Gender As A Social Construct 
Transgender woman and YouTuber Blair White explains this better than I can. Watch her video.

If you don't believe me that this is our of control, take a look at this:

What Each of Facebook’s 51 New Gender Options Means

Saturday, July 7, 2018

WTF I'm 40? Welcome To My Midlife

In a week I’ll be 40. I can’t even believe that as I’m typing it. Not only will I be turning this dreaded old age but I’m also unemployed and my youngest child, my only natural child will be entering high school in a month.

When you are young you think that by 30 you will have a car, a house, a career, kids, spouse, you’ll have finished everything you are supposed to do and have life basically figured out. At least the big stuff. But here I am half way through my life for the most part and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.

Growing up I thought I’d move to L.A., be a nurse, have a husband and maybe 4 kids. But here I am, stuck in the same depressing, good for nothing town I grew up in, with no job and three kids, two of which I didn'tgive birth to. It’s like I blinked and ran out of time. My chances to have another child are pretty much gone without me ever consenting to such tragedy and I will soon be alone.

What is even happening? I never agreed to any of this. I’m not prepared for any of it. I mean let’s say I’m half way done with my life. That doesn’t even mean I have another 40 years. Really, as a woman, I have about 10 to 20 years before I’m considered totally worthless. Completely irrelevant and invisible.

All my life I remember thinking wow I don’t want to be old. Well at least I’m only (blank) I don’t have to worry about that yet. Thank God! Now I just think shit, I’m here. And if I’m already freaking out about my body decaying around me, how will I feel at 70?

OMG menopause! How much longer until that death comes knocking at my door? 10, 15 years? And then I’ll gain more wait and probably grow a mustache. WTF there is nothing I can do to stop this.

Time… time is an asshole.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Monogamy = Safe Sex ?

It’s amazing to me the amount of people who don’t get tested for STIs on a regular basis. Even if you’re married you should still be tested as part of your annual or biannual checkup. Recently I was scheduled for such a visit and I couldn’t believe the number of times I was asked why I was requesting a STI screening. Ladies just because you are only sleeping with your husband doesn’t mean he is only sleeping with you or hasn’t had at least one “slip up” along the way. Is your health really worth your denial of reality? I have spent many years working in a walk in clinic and let me tell you, many, MANY times people who test positive for STIs are in committed relationships. Either their partner cheated or they themselves cheated and are in with symptoms. I've been in the room when the doctor asks if the patient is in a relationship with only one sexual partner and the patient always assures us they are. I call that same patient to give them positive lab results. Someone wasn't telling the whole truth.  

I once had a Nurse Practitioner tell me that she didn’t have her daughters vaccinated against HPV, the virus that causes certain types of cervical cancer, because she told them to just not sleep around. I was horrified a health professional would actually think that way. First of all, men do not have symptoms and are carriers. Even if a woman was a virgin on her wedding night, she could still contract the virus from her partner. We have got to stop associating STIs with promiscuity. It only takes one time to contract anything!

Just remember you never really know what people do when no one is watching. Be smart, be safe, and trust no one.

Further Reading:

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Vulva... Who?

Recently I came across a TED Talk by Peggy Orenstein. This talk focused on the lack of education and attention put on female sexual pleasure. Ms. Orenstein points out that in Sex Ed we are shown a photo of the "female reproductive system" which although it does show reproductive organs, isn't exactly complete. 🤔

This is SEX education right? Seems several parts of my body I need to have a good sexual experience are missing from the diagram. And come to think of it, I was in my twenties before I knew my vulva was not my vagina and that everything outside of my vagina actually mattered enough to have its own name. It's like the only part of my sexuality that was worth teaching me about, was the part that men needed to satisfy their own.. How is that ok? 😤

Sex Ed in the U.S. is focused on birth control, STIs and  inappropriately timed male erections that girls aught not to cause by simply wearing form fitting clothes or exposing a bra strap. What is this teaching our kids?

I recently got my teen son's sex ed class itinerary showing parents what will and will not be covered in class. What would NOT be covered included consent, sexual identity, and gender identity. Sexual pleasure wasn't even on the menu. This is not sex education. This is reproductive education.

Why are the hard subjects being left to parents who don't even understand sexual or gender identity. What about emotions and bonding hormones. What about relationship ethics the power sex can have on yourself and a couple?

Sexuality is something that is a huge part of who a person is their whole life and will effect them in many ways, yet we just say don't do it but if you do, take a pill and wear a condom.

Girls, I beg you, please do your own research take out a mirror and look at your vulva. Know your anatomy, what it does and more importnatly know how it feels. It's impossible to tell your partner how to please you if you don't know yourself.

This is a picture of the full anatomy of the clitoris which was just mapped out in 2009. We have yet to receive proper education on the G Spot and female ejaculation. Both of which have been considered myths until very recently. Hell, the female orgasm was attributed to hysteria not too long ago.

Please know that because this world has historically been run by men, female sexuality has been grossly overlooked. Educate yourselves and your daughters about the importance of female pleasure and that it's OK to ask for it. If it took women 1 minute to climax and men 20, I can assure you that what (or who) went down in a typical "hook up" would be VERY different. 😂

Demand your pleasure. You are a woman capable of giving life and providing nutrition for another human all on your own. You deserve to experience all that your body is capable of. Not just what a man thinks is relevant.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

When I Wasn't Looking

I once thought it safe to stay strange. If you’re the other woman, you always know what’s going on. I’ve recently discovered to my surprise the other woman wasn’t me. Apparently the tables turned when I wasn’t looking.

It’s a funny thing a man can do to you when you think your equals. When you both seem to be getting what you want out of whatever non traditional relationship you may be having. There comes a time when a man believes he is in love or has deep feelings for someone else. At which point he must disconnect from you in a feeble attempt at faithfulness. He becomes cold without warning and at times will lash out cruelly leaving you feeling as if you never really knew him and baffled as to why he would act this way towards you because after all you were his secret.

But don’t worry ladies. Soon his new found infatuation will fade and he will undoubtedly return. Why? Well I can only assume it is because he is a man and that means his ego will never allow him rest without a secret. Time will tell if my theory rings true….

Less than 24 hours later...

I’m happy to report that again my theory was proven and in fact, sometimes there is never an attempt at faithfulness at all. Before I knew it I was back where I’m most comfortable. Back where the view is clear the pain is soft.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

I am sexual, I am Christian, and I have questions...

These are just some of the question I have on this topic and I hope everyone realizes that these pertain to consenting adult relationships. Read through and give me your answers or if you have your own questions, leave them down in the comments..

  • Why is it that I feel like I’m the only Christian that embraces her sexuality and does not understand the true reasoning behind sexual “sin”?
  • Why when I Google “Sexual Christian” are the results videos, books, articles, and programs all aimed at helping me overcome this terrible sinful nature of my sexual desire?
  • According to Haslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, basic human physiological needs include Air, Food, Water, Shelter, Sleep, and Sex. Our bodies are designed to crave sex. Why would God make our bodies in this way and then punish us for acting in accordance?
  • Why are men’s minds made to seek sexual novelty if it’s bad to do so?
  • Why aren’t we naturally monogamous?
  • Why does the typical couple only stay “in love” neuro chemically speaking for 2 to 4 years, just long enough to raise a baby into toddlerhood?
  • Why do we become aware of our sexuality at such an early age? So that we can marry young and have offspring? Why does this all happen before our prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision making) is fully formed?
  • Why would God create our minds and bodies to work in direct conflict with his wishes?
  • Why unlike other sins, is sex good for us? Frequent orgasms and close human contact have many health benefits for men and women.
  • If we are all God’s children and are made in his image, why are some people born with a sexual orientation pleasing to God and others born locked into a sexual orientation that will earn them life long condemnation just for wanting the same love others have?  

If anyone cares to enlighten me please leave a comment and lets discuss.

Friday, January 19, 2018

Why Masturbation Is Not A Sin

In doing research on sexuality inside Christianity, I’ve come across a lot of information on why masturbation is sinful. I would like to take a moment to correct this misinformation as this outlook is not only unhelpful but harmful to a person’s sexuality.

Is Masturbation Lust Focused?

It can be. But if this is something you personally feel is wrong, it doesn’t have to be. You do not need to fantasize about another person or situation to have an orgasm. You can simply enjoy the sensation.

Is Masturbation Selfish?

I’ve heard this a lot. Your body is a temple is it not? Would you consider scratching an itch selfish? How about brushing your hair or exercising? These are all activities that you don’t need to do in order to survive but are part of taking care of your temple that is your human body. We have the desire to masturbate for a reason and orgasms have many health benefits.

Here are just a few:

Is Masturbation Addictive?

Anything that produces the release of dopamine can become an addiction but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do them. Dopamine is our brain’s way of rewarding us for positive behavior. Obviously like anything, this has the potential to be abused but that doesn’t make it bad in general.  Everything in moderation!

This is also the question that inevitably leads to questions about porn addiction. I have left that out for now because porn is it’s own topic for another day. But it’s coming soon.

Will Masturbating Make Me Not Want Sex From My Partner?

Some people find this to be true but this can be for many other reasons including lack of sexual education. In fact, masturbating is a way to get to know your own body. How on earth are you going to communicate to your partner what feels good if you don’t know yourself. The female anatomy can be very confusing to men and anything you can do to help them navigate will be much appreciated I assure you. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of women who have told me that they don’t even know what their vulva looks like. Hell, they don’t even know their vagina is called a vulva.

Ladies I implore you, take out a mirror and take a look. If nothing else, just for your own health. It’s important to know what everything looks like in a normal state so that you can identify when something isn’t normal.

Lastly, I would like to just touch on sexuality being something that exists only inside marriage and is something that is not separate. This bothers me because I feel it perpetuates the idea that a woman is not her own person, that she is property of her husband, that her sexuality is something he owns and is something that needs to be controlled. We are not living in ancient times. Sexuality is something that is unique to each person. And if you hold a world view in which you believe in God, this sexual part of our nature was created by that God and is beautiful. Man makes it something it is not. Remember Adam and Eve were running around being fruitful and multiplying whilst naked. Shame belongs on hurting others not on pleasing ourselves.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

A MonogamISH Marriage - What It's Really Like

When We Fight

How did I get here? The clock is ticking toward the new year and despite my desperate attempts to stop, I sob uncontrollably. My husband inters our bedroom where I sit in bed wiping my tears. He sits at the foot of the bed and pleads to me from a place I haven’t seen in so long. “How could you do this”? he asks. “I love you. I don’t want to be with anyone else. You’re my partner. Why didn’t you just ask me”? The guilt of what I have done washes over me and I begin to cry harder as I try to speak the words… I’m so sorry.

This was the reality of my New Year’s Eve. At 11:45pm my husband and I got into one of the worst fights we’ve had in years. We both wanted so badly to be in a place of peace by that all-important stroke of midnight but we just couldn’t get there. We went to bed that night in silent sadness.

This fight, even though it ruined the end of our year, was I think, a turning point for us. My husband was hurt because I had told him that I saw a text message while fixing his phone in which he was telling another woman she was beautiful. I was curious and looked the number up later in our cell phone records. I just wanted to see what she looked like. I was feeling insecure for other reasons and it got to me. He was right. There was no reason for me to go behind his back like that. I could have just asked him and he would have told me anything I wanted to know. It was me betraying him.

Despite the tears, I will look back on that night as something great that happened between us. The dialog exchanged was something we both needed. It was raw, honest, and enlightening. Since that night I see myself in this relationship different than I did before and I think my husband does as well. Our relationship has a new life to it that it didn’t have before and this is one of the best things about an atypical relationship. Sometimes these outside forces press on us but we always end up strengthened from it. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love that man and I love us.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

In Joy and Sorrow

~ from a season of pain, summer 2016 ~

Rarely do I feel jealousy or emotional hurt from relationships anymore. I pride myself on this so when it happens I feel very confused almost like a stranger in my own head. Regardless I do occasionally feel these things and when I do, I try very hard to quickly identify the source, make sense of it, rationalise it in my head, and file it away as a understanding I can use to quickly dismiss these kinds of things in the future.
The last few days I’ve been feeling something I can only describe as loss over a relationship I chose not to be in several years ago. But here’s the thing… I didn’t choose not to be with this person because I stopped loving them or because it wasn’t working. Really now that I think about it, the choice was made simply because I live in a world where it isn’t OK to love more than one person. It crushes me that I can not be with someone even though I love them just because I love someone else. In fact if this was not an issue I would probably be in three or four relationships at this very moment. But I’m not allowed. I must pick one person while burying my feelings for anyone else. Then I must hope and pray a situation doesn’t arise as it recently has that brutally rips those feelings to the surface leaving me to mourn the relationship over and over again.
All I can do is explore what I’m feeling and learn from it while I watch people I love move on with others that may possibly love only them in a way that I can’t.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Sexuality Inside Christianity


I had intended to write a single post on this subject but as I did more research, and had more conversations with people, I realized this topic is much deeper than I had initially thought.

If you search “Christian Sexuality” in Google or YouTube, you do not get results showing people celebrating a very integral part of their personality and of their humanity. Instead, you are bombarded with resources on relieving people from their “lust”, delivering them from their sexual sin.  It seems sexuality to Christians even inside the covenant of marriage is something that should be removed to keep one from “sinning”.  

I have been a Christian since childhood and sexual for as long as I can remember. Of course, as I’ve grown in age and wisdom, I’ve questioned everything and the conflict between my spirituality and my sexuality has always been something that didn’t add up for me. Something just doesn’t seem right. Telling someone who is born to desire the same sex, that they can’t love or have the same relationship others can doesn’t seem right either.

If you believe in a creator (which I’m aware many people don’t.) that creator, created human sexuality. It’s not something outside of us. Our sexuality is inside of us, is part of our souls. Our desires shape our personalities and become a large part of our world view.

The Bible was written I believe, to an ancient world. Everything is different now. Women are different now. Our relationships with men, our relationship with government and society are all different now. I do not see how we can logically still implement these restrictions. To me that is truly how we are degrading woman today. Woman and men are being shamed for feeling a way that they were created to feel.

This will be a small series of posts covering my questions to what I feel are conflicts. Two major topics I will explore are; what is immoral sexual behavior and why don’t biblical sexual rules match up with the biology and psychology of human sexuality, if they are originating from the same source.

I realize this subject may not apply to some people and that’s fine but it is part of my sexuality and I believe can be applied to any religion or even just oppression someone may feel from family. Please feel free to comment and share your opinion even if it differs from mine. I’m here to discuss and learn. I may be judged for saying these things but I feel its imperative they be said if I wish to live an honest life.

Friday, January 5, 2018

A MonogamISH Marriage - What It's Really Like

I’ve never cared for the term “open relationship”. I’m not sure why. I guess it seems to imply that the relationship is somehow weak like its open to invaders. Not like closed relationships with strong impenetrable walls.
Delving into this world of nonmonogamy, I find myself with resources that talk of compersion (the opposite of jealously) and open, honest, loving dialog exploring each other’s feelings.  Although this is great, for me and my relationship, it’s just not realistic.
My husband and I have agreed on a don’t ask don’t tell situation, where we are free to explore other physical relationships and are aware the other is doing the same but we are not necessarily comfortable swapping details. That being said, I thought I would share what it actually feels like to be in this type of relationship, how I deal with these feelings, and how I use them for personal growth and strength in my marriage.
Like I said, my husband and I don’t communicate our outside relationships to each other. It’s more just something we assume is happening in the background. But there come times when I will come across something that confirms this assumption. Missing condoms, late night text notifications, unknown whereabouts in the middle of the night, or the occasional unintended read message. I’m not going to sit here and say I feel joy for my partner’s outside relationship because what I feel is far from joy. Honestly, its very similar to what I felt when discovering I was being cheated on minus the deception/betrayal which I promise you, is a huge part of the trauma that comes with infidelity.
When I stumble across something that assures me that he is seeing someone else, my heart races and my hands shake. I feel… for a few moments jealously and disappointment, it doesn’t by any means feel good or anywhere close to joy or compersion. But then I stop and think. I also see other people. Does that change how I feel about my husband? Would I consider leaving him for someone else? Absolutely not. Why for some reason do I feel that what I do is totally under control but what he is doing is somehow a potential threat?
I remember once I woke to hearing my husband on the phone with someone else. When I realized what I was hearing I got out of bed and stood at the bedroom door listening to he’s voice coming from the living room. My heart was pounding so hard I struggled to hear him at all. He moved his conversation to the back patio, so I slowly made my way into the kitchen to listen. I don’t know why I did this. It’s not like I was trying to “catch him” or something. I sat down on the steps to our kitchen and listened to him. I could barely make out what he was saying but the tone of his voice pulled at my heart. I hadn’t heard him speak in that tone for years. There was a kindness behind it that I remembered fondly and wondered why aren’t I special enough to still be spoken to like that?
More recently I saw a message where he was calling another woman beautiful. Not sexy but beautiful. I know nothing was really meant by it and men will say anything when they are trying to hook up but beautiful again carried a kindness with it that I missed. Why was he putting all this kindness out there to everyone else and leaving me with what I interpreted as harshness?
I feel like this cultural paradigm of monogamy equating to true love sits in the back of a non-monogamous person’s mind and at times whispers “See he doesn’t really love you”. “If he did, he wouldn’t need her”. “Obviously, you aren’t enough”.  My analytical mind knows these things aren’t true but that doesn’t keep the thoughts from creeping in somehow. I am able to quickly dismiss them just by the sheer annoyance of their existence because I know these thoughts are not my own.
Each time one of these situations presents itself, I am grateful because once I think it out and realize what it is that’s bothering me and it’s never my partner having something physical with someone else. Once I dismiss the bullshit I know isn’t real, I can see the truth. In the examples I’ve given here, it’s simply me missing kindness from my partner and has nothing at all to do with sex.
I entered into this type of relationship as a means of protection from the unfaithful world of human sexuality and for the most part it has worked for me. I do not feel betrayed or lied to but that doesn’t mean I feel happy always. Open is vulnerable but I still truly believe it’s stronger than any closed relationship with walls built on half-truths.

She's the Madonna, I am the Whore

Over the last few months I’ve listened to about ten books covering human sexuality and the psychology of desire. We humans, both male and female have these parallel desires for what we want romantically and what we want sexually. Women seek the strong, confident, protector but we also want him to be caring and cater to our needs. Both sides are usually never found in the same man. It’s always nice guy Vs. asshole. Usually what happens is that we find someone who is mainly either alpha or beta male with just enough of the other characteristics that we can make it work. In my opinion, this leaves us vulnerable to future indiscretions with those males who embody the characteristics our partner lacks. Therefore, non-monogamy is helpful because then you are never putting all of your needs onto one person. But that is a whole other topic for another time.

 Men also have a dual desire. A Madonna/whore complex in which they look for the virtuous Madonna to raise their children and be a faithful partner to them for at least as long as it takes to make sure their genetics are passed along successfully to the next generation. Men also desire the whore, the woman that they can be their true deviant sexual selves with without fear of rejection and judgment. As I have been discovering these things about our dual desires I have been given the very unexpected opportunity to watch this play out right in front of my eyes.

I have had a unique relationship with a man for several years. He is much older, powerful, exceptionally intelligent, and one hell of an alpha. This relationship isn’t what I would call an affair or merrily just a friendship. I couldn’t really classify it as friends with benefits either. Maybe we could call it a friendship with a very sexual nature yet never fully consummated. Like I said, it was and I guess still is unique.

Over the last few months, this man I admired so much became infatuated with another woman. This isn’t something that should have bothered me as there was never anything romantic between us and because we are both married I never really wanted there to be. But it did bother me and it bothered me that it bothered me. Why did I care? This other woman is basic in her looks and below basic in her personality yet he became completely lost in the thought of her. He would constantly tell me that I am so strong, and smart and this other woman is so weak and fragile. I couldn’t figure out why he would say those things. How is weak better than strong? Why would any man especially a man like this want someone weak? Well, because she is the Madonna and I am the whore. He doesn’t need to protect me or save me because I’m strong and as the alpha he needs to be needed. He needs to be that hero that I just don’t need. Problem is, yes, I’m strong and smart and basically a bitch but because of that, sexually I crave that alpha dominance because that is the only situation where I allow myself to be weak.

This whole episode has bothered me so much because I see this alpha man I needed as someone above me, someone I would allow to have control over me, turning into this softer, weaker beta man who has no control over anything anymore.

As I’m watching this man that was once something I needed slip away into something else, I also watch fascinated at the lengths men will go to in order to satisfy their own needs sexual or not. They will risk everything, family, friends, career, all in the pursuit of that which makes them feel like a real man. Even when in reality, the manhood they are chasing is that of a boy.  


Here rests the bones of what was once my shows notes that I spent a week outlining and a whole day writing... RIP Hybristophilia Intro...